By Cara Derck

Humor contest winner

This all started with a woman dusting plants in the Union on the joyous occasion of the Union’s birthday. I could dust plants and give them water if you lowered my tuition — hell, I’d probably finish with a “happy ending”!

I would even sacrifice those sexy balloons and window paintings that adorn the eateries for such occasions as “Luau Thursday” when the University decides to bust out the green-rather-than-yellow lettuce for the salads and lets their understandably apathetic employees wear ridiculous leis, cheesy grass skirts and coconut bras, all likely “borrowed” from someone’s roommate who wouldn’t realize they were missing.

Don’t get me wrong, we all need a little “fun” in our mundane lives, but a dusty plant isn’t wasting my flavor — it’s wasting my tuition! I decided about halfway through my freshman year that I pay too much to not be getting anything back. I’ve started what I call “getting my tuition’s worth.”

I take two cups of ketchup when I don’t even like it. I pick the biggest apple from the lot and pay the same price as the smallest. I record the movies off of channel 99 for my personal collection. I have even sunk so low as to make multiple copies on the school computers. (My name may or may not have been changed — disregard the last comment if you believe the latter).

And, just maybe, I could have been the one who picked that daffodil and took it home to my mom when the Union seasonably bloomed last spring. The worst of these sins is that I don’t feel guilty (murmur of amazement). Now the faculty sit and sneer, mumbling to themselves that it’s people like me who raise tuition by excessively wiping my feet on a rug to wear it out faster, but I say nay to you!

Could we not make up for my washing my hands twice and using extra toilet paper to cover the seat by doing something simple like, I don’t know, not caring that there is dust on the plants?!?

I would look fast this faux pas if, say, I could have the rights back to my first-born child that I had to forfeit for this semester’s books. Getting your tuition’s worth doesn’t always have to mean doing something against the University. I like to consider it the generally bitter attitude many of us here on campus suppress.

For instance, I’ve overheard custodial workers talking among themselves that they truly enjoy sweeping the floors at 8 a.m. in the residence halls, but only on the floors that tend to mistreat the privilege of having someone cleaning up after them.

I applaud you, custodians, for venting your bitterness in annoying ways, rather than beating your children or drinking and driving. Everyone is always telling me to be happy, not bitter.

Well, quit telling me what to do. I’m here to say that maybe bitterness, in moderate levels, is something we all should embrace and learn to deal with on occasion.

Could this be a simple path to world peace? Likely not. Actually, hell no. I just don’t want people thinking happiness is the only emotion we should have. So go on, be bitter! And when someone calls you on it, tell them to wake up; this isn’t Oz, it’s Northwest Ohio, and there’s not much to smile about in the winter!!

“Whoa, that’s funny stuff. Oh, so you think you’re funnier? Prove it. Submit your 500-700 word humor column to [email protected]. If it makes me laugh, we’ll print it, so make sure it’s not totally bogus. Whoa, I know Kung Fu.”