It’s Level Orange out there. This advisory assumes a high level of danger and it means we will have another blizzard this weekend and it will cover our already icy sidewalks with even more ice. It means FOX will launch a new reality series named “Joe Broke,” where 20 homeless women will compete for the heart of a seemingly poverty-stricken drifter, who in reality is Bill Gates.
OK, to be honest, we really don’t know what to expect because the government hasn’t been telling us much. We know that “Code Orange” is a notch below “Code Red.” We believe it has something to do with terrorists plotting against us and that buying massive amounts of bottled water is our best defense. However, we no longer have to adhere duct tape to our homemade bomb shelters because the Depart of Homeland Security has finally decided to calm us down with their slogan, “Don’t be afraid. Be ready.”
Yes, the DHS has launched an informative website (www.ready.gov) designed to calm down the average confused American. This site outlines several potential terrorist attacks such as biological warfare and nuclear explosions. After reading this website, we should understand the differences between different disasters.
For example: a biological threat is when people around you are dying. A chemical threat is when people around you are dying, but not as quickly. An explosion is when something explodes. A nuclear explosion is when something explodes, followed by a bright light. A radiation threat is the use of a “dirty bomb,” which spreads several harmful antigens into the hair of punk rockers everywhere.
All five main types of disaster share a common thread. The DHS advises us to protect ourselves from these dangers by calmly and frantically moving away from the disaster. I’m glad they told us how to protect ourselves, otherwise we might pull a Wile. E. Coyote and simply hide under an umbrella. In some cases, such as a biological attack, you should cover your eyes and mouth. That way, in case you are running away, you might run into a flagpole and that would be pretty funny.
Some of us are visual learners. Thankfully, Ready.gov has you covered. Under each terrorist threat are several pictures of what to do in case of an emergency. I will attempt to explain how ridiculous these pictures look.
Under the visual aid for a chemical threat, there is a drawing consisting of dying fish, a biohazard symbol and a man who is obviously thinking about something. I’m not good at critiquing art, but the man in the drawing might be thinking, “These fish obviously were killed by terrorists. I should think about this.” There are countless other priceless pictures on this website. Obviously, Andy Warhol was not available to draw for them.
Next, the DHS suggests that we all assemble survival kits. For college students, this only comprises of a six-pack of Natural Light and two to four Lunchables per day. Luckily, most of us have this readily available. Another essential of survival, according to Ready.gov, is clean air. This means you should start hoarding bottles of Febreeze, as well as several air fresheners.
Finally, we should all have a well-devised plan. In case of an emergency, we should be able to communicate with family members and meet at a specified location where everyone can wash their freshly soiled pants.
Given all this advice, we still don’t know if the terrorists are actually planning an attack on us. If they attack us, I hope they blow up buildings of network executives who continue to churn out reality television. I’m not saying I want Americans to die, because if these people went to the DHS website and read through all the information, they should be able to survive after exiting a building single file like good little third-graders.
You have two choices. You can be afraid of the Department of Homeland Security, or you can be ready. Chances are you’ll choose the hidden third option and simply become even more confused.
