They picked me to welcome the new freshmen with a column. Scary thought.

There are many ways I could introduce you to the campus. I could haze you by telling lies (“The puddle water here actually tastes good”), by scaring you (“The student union contains a massive amount of red and blue paint”), or by getting you massively injured (“Dan Dakich loves it when you pull on his blazer”). But chances are you just want to know where the beer is. My guess would be in the beer cans.

We are overstocked with seniors who are ready to get you inebriated beyond any Tennessean. Some might try to get you so stoned in hopes you may single-handedly improve Visine’s third quarter sales report.

Still, chances are they will simply give you free beer, like they did my first weekend of college.

Two years ago, some friends and I went to some guy’s apartment. Right out of the gate, he offered a free can of Natural Light to anyone who wanted one, and the only two freshmen who didn’t partake were the designated driver and some loser who grew up to be The BG News humor columnist.

He then told everyone to open the can and chug it. As if we were clueless how to drink stuff, he demonstrated for us.

Once everyone was done, he made an announcement: “For those of you who just chugged a can, welcome to college. For those of you who didn’t, it’sgonna be a long four years for you.” Then the party began. What he failed to mention was that for some of those who downed that brew, it was merely a brief semester for them. They are gone, and I am still here.

For the rest of the night, I sat on that couch with contempt as I watched my friends get wasted.

Naturally (no pun intended), the smaller ones got drunker faster. My best friend, weighing in at a robust 110 pounds and towering at 5’3″, spent the entire next day bonding with her new roommate as she rhythmically emptied stomach contents into a conveniently placed bucket.

I only went back to that apartment one more time, and yes, I did drink.

Could you blame me? The dice game “Three Man” seemed very alluring. I think I won, because I only had to drink two beers. As I was thinking to myself, “That tasted like expired urine,” the rest of my opponents seemed to have trouble staying in their chairs. Perhaps their seats were convex. I may never know.

I have lived the past two years — and will do so for the next two — with a chip of sobriety on my shoulder. So what if I turn 21 in January? I listened to my friends on their 21st birthdays, as they pranced around all day cheering, “I can finally drink tonight!” as if the legal age limit stopped them in the past.

I also never heard of the law that permits somebody to getdrunk enough to fondle their bucktoothed cousin just because they’re celebrating their birthday for the 21st time. Then again, who am I to argue with laws?

According to DumbLaws.com, it is illegal in Ohio to fish for whales on Sunday. Since when do rules passed by the government make sense? I honestly think the drinking age limit is hypocritical. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if it was lowered to 13 years of age. Then I could break my television and watch people for entertainment.

Underage drinking isn’t wrong. It’s just incredibly stupid, even if you’re a “legal adult.” The fact that pretty much all college students blindly walk into this brand of social life is dangerously alarming. People will tell you that you will have no friends or no life if you choose to stay sober week in and week out. I don’t even hesitate saying that these are boldfaced lies, and I will even go as far to say that these people who tell you such are spreading propaganda. It’s a highly effective scare tactic just so they can say they had a lot of people at their crazy party.

You have a choice. Get some friends and go out and play basketball at midnight. Rent movies, play Twister or even buy a disposable camera and collect incriminating photos of your drunken friends so that they may never become president. Having said that, would you like to chug a beer?

Pay no attention to my camcorder.