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Punch Buggies and power bills

There are a lot of parents out there who want to protect their children from the horrors of sex, violence and drugs. They suffer from what I call “Holden Caulfield Syndrome.”

Members of the FCC, no doubt some of which are parents, are attempting to protect our nation’s youth by ridding the airwaves of sex and violence.

Will this work? I think not, because I know of a more sexual and violent entity — the automotive industry. Yes, the makers of cars are promoting sexual behavior and violent acts towards our fellow man. What’s my reasoning?

My evidence points in the general direction of the Punch Buggy game.

We’ve all played it, even if you didn’t want to play it. When you’re riding in a car, if you happen to see a Volkswagen Beetle (Bug) on the road, you are to say “Punch Buggy!” then the color of the car, and punch the adjacent passenger.

Some would call it a harmless game, but it can turn friend on friend. If a jewel-encrusted nipple at the Super Bowl halftime show is indecent, then punching people whenever one sees a car might be considered too graphic for children.

Sure, I could rant about how Volkswagen is one of the instigators of violence in America, but it’s not just the Bugs that lead to slugs. The PT Cruiser, manufactured by Chrysler, can also be the focal point of a punching car game, known as “Cruiser Bruiser.”

There is the “Porsche Pinch,” which is enforced anytime someone sees anyone going through a mid-life crisis.

I have even seen a “Benz Bite,” and I wasn’t even in the car with Mike Tyson.

Any yellow car also results in fisticuffs. In fact, a yellow Beetle is worth two punches. I’m not making these up — these are the rules as written by teenage girls everywhere.

There is no documented game that involves a Pontiac Aztek, but if I had my way, I would punch the driver of that Aztek because those cars are hideous.

Transitioning this column from sex to violence will work well when I mention the “Woody.” Calling a “Woody” means that one has seen a car with fake wood paneling. Doing this enables one to punch your friend, but it also invokes those giggles from junior high school days of yore.

To this day, erections are still funny, but as of late, the commercials for Cialis set a new precedent by saying that four-hour erections are even funnier.

Kids breach the sexual taboo by playing the padiddle game. Any car with one headlight out is known as a “padiddle,” and any car with one taillight out is known as a “padunkle.” Any car with two headlights out driving in the wrong lane with its blinker on is known as a “Grandma Eunice.”

Calling a “padiddle” or “padunkle” means that someone has to take off an article of clothing. It’s like strip poker without the hassle of using playing cards!

Our children embrace these games. Is the government cracking down on these gory car games? Absolutely not. Instead, what are they after? Why, drugs, of course. And leave it to California to show us the most ridiculous case of paranoia as a result of marijuana — without even huffing it.

Police in Carlsbad, Calif. raided the Dagy family’s house on suspicion of growing cannabis inside their own home. What was their lead? Their outrageously high electric bill.

Traditionally, high electric bills indicate that indoor heating lamps are used to grow wacky weed. The police also noticed the Dagys putting their trash out almost right before the garbage men picked it up.

So the police obtained a search warrant, and raided the house. They found nothing — the house was clean of the green. The Dagys, a family of five, has three computers constantly running — along with four ceiling fans. They also have two to three loads of laundry and run the dishwasher every day.

This example cites the obsession the government has with keeping drugs out of our children’s hands, which has gotten out of hand, in my opinion. Don’t they know that without mind-altering drugs, Taco Bell would go out of business?

Hey grown-ups, you can’t keep drugs out of teenagers’ grasp — or anyone for that matter.

You can’t stop us from learning about boobies, and you can’t prevent violence in our country, or even the bloodshed we cause overseas.

But, instead of scolding us, learn how to cater to our demands. By the way, I just looked out the window and saw a silver VW Bug with a broken headlight. Please take off your shirt.

To tell Matt just how inept a writer he is, you can reach him at [email protected].

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