Ya’ll conservative-type folk have been quite displeased with this papers “biased” coverage of just about everything.

However, in the big “liberal media” picture, we are only a pebble in the mountain of deceit and shame. All the other major newspapers, of course, are liberal and all the networks have liberal news shows. And I do not think any student would disagree that all the cable news channels are substantially liberal.

It is a fact of life. We are out to get you. Liberals have been suppressing conservatives as long as life has existed on the planet.

That is why there is a liberal minority in Congress and the Supreme Court. Of course the absence of a liberal in the White House is assuredly a sign of liberal supremacy.

The fact that liberals have been out of power for four years and will remain out of power another four is the best example I think of the liberal dominance in the country.

Or perhaps FOX News being the only thing on in the Union would support the conservative argument? FOX News being the news channel that was willing to sue its mother company over the fact that the Simpson’s made fun of them. That is the voice of reason I am glad we have in the Union.

However, the nail in the coffin for me, is the fact that the College Republicans get so much press in the paper, that anytime the head of that organization has a bowel movement, it becomes a headline story.

I think ya’ll been frontin’ and it is time to stop. There is no liberal media and now I have the evidence to prove it.

Two days ago I was approached by a senior official at the State Department who wished to set the record straight regarding this alleged liberalism. Sensitive documents were put into my possession that will clear up this misunderstanding once and for all.

According to these top secret files, this liberal myth dates back to the first Gulf War. Or as Tom Brokaw put it while bowling with Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, “back when we were fighting that camel f***** in Iraq.”

It was during this time that a very important rug in Rather’s apartment was soiled upon by two daytime talk show hosts who were looking to get some fly rap songs from Rather. To make matters worse, the rug really tied the room together.

Of course back in those days, Rather went by the name “The Chap.” He was even known to smoke Marlboro Reds, but this is back in the day.

Brokaw, a veteran of the early hip-hop wars, was aware of another Dan Rather. A much richer Dan Rather whose trophy wife (Connie Chung) had been dropping lame-ass rhymes at all the networks. Brokaw convinced The Chap that it was unfair , in the words of Brokaw “for that whore to go out and drop ill rhymes all over town, and for them to come and piss on your f****** rug.” CIA 3 mm film footage shown to me just this morning, shows The Chap going to see the rich Rather. After all, Brokaw had “Buddies who died face down in the muck so that everyday emcees could spit rhymes, and the slut, that whore goes out and….”

The Chap was informed by the big Rather that Connie had been kidnapped by some West Coast rappa’s. They were asking for 1 million dope rhymes in return for Connies safety.

The Chap agreed to be the bag man in the ransom handoff. Through a weird turn of events, including a sultry night with Maude Rather and the unfortunate death of Peter Jennings in a freestyle match with some hip-hop nihilists, The Chap and Brokaw were able to uncover the kidnapper’s scheme. Connie was never kidnapped, but the “big Rather” faked the kidnapping story in order to steal the future of hip-hop.

Furthermore, it turns out that the big Rather was none other than Rupert Murdock, the owner of FOX News.

FBI reports at the time confirm that Murdock was in the business of stealing phat beats and rhymes from inner city kids and passing them off as his own. Much of what he had stolen was later confirmed to be the bulk of Wu-Tang’s influential hip-hop masterpiece, “36 Chambers.” Luckily for emcees world wide, The Chap was on the case at the time.

I decided to write this investigative journalistic article in the BGNews in an attempt to finally bring to light the truth behind Rupert Murdock’s dislike of mainstream media.

It is clear to this reporter, that Murdock started FOX News in order to spread the lies of the “liberal media” in an attempt to get back at Brokaw and The Chap for ruining his attempt at hip-hop stardom.

My advice to all the students at the University is to be careful which news programs you watch. One never knows when the next news tycoon will attempt to steal hip-hop from P. Diddy’s cold dead hands.

— Scenes from this article were taken from/inspired by “The Big Lebowski.”