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BG Falcon Media

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BG Falcon Media

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BG Falcon Media

The BG News
BG24 Newscast
November 30, 2023

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Playoffs, Red Sox don’t mix

Ohioans hate the Yankees. It is a fact. We hate to see them win. We hate to see them in the playoffs. We hate to see them in the World Series. And most of all, we hate to see them buy up players like mad.

Every year ever since Steinbrenner got his head out of his ass and started spending money, the Yankees started winning again. A franchise like that is bad for baseball. If one team always wins, then earnings are not split with many other major teams. This is why so many teams are in financial peril.

For years I blamed the Yankees, but never George Costanza. But now I see who is to blame: the Red Sox.

First off, Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez is an idiot, but that has nothing to do with why I blame the Red Sox for the Yankees continual winning streak: the Red Sox are chokers.

Every year they get the wild card and end up losing to the Yankees, embarrassingly. They just give the American League pennant to the Yankees year after year.

So I propose that the Red Sox be banned from post season play or get dissolved. I know there is a long history of baseball in Boston. There is the green wall and blah blah blah, bunch of chokers. “They are messing my day up,” as prolific songwriter Wesley Willis would say.

Other teams in the past have been able to beat the Yankees in post season play. Last year the Marlins hornswoggled the Yankees in the World Series. The Diamondbacks were able to triumph over the mountain of money that is Steinbrenner in the 2001 World Series. Even the Cleveland Indians were able to beat the Yankees in the 1995 ALCS.

And now it would seem that the Red Sox, like every other baseball fan, have come to realize what a shallow, choke-i-fied existence they lead. Even Pedro Martinez seemed to sum up their lackluster performances quite eloquently, “What can I say — just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy. I can’t find a way to beat them at this point.”

And so the loving fans at Yankee stadium and Abercrombie and Fitch have started to do just that, renaming the team “Pedro’s Daddy” in a Yankees board room meeting this past Monday.

To celebrate this, liberty loving Americans can purchase shirts with the slogan “Hey Red Sox, Who’s Your Daddy?” but only liberty loving Americans. All y’all haters can go somewhere else to get your t-shirts.

However, Internet rumors have surfaced regarding this change. Most of these sites claim the renaming to be a hoax.

In an effort to dig deep into this story, I called the front office of the Red Sox three times in the past week and was finally able to get a response from the assistant to the traveling secretary. I was informed that the Red Sox organization sees this as a good time to make a clean break from baseball and concentrate its resources on doing something positive.

While this is something of a shock in the Boston area, I for one am rejoicing. Heck, the Red Sox don’t even have NOMAH anymore. Further sources have also led me to believe that the Red Sox retraction resolution includes the Fallen Clause. This clause stipulates that once the Red Sox have severed all ties with professional baseball that chronically un-funny man Jimmy Fallon will also be prohibited from appearing in public.

While this clause does sound promising, this reporter finds it highly infeasible that such a clause would ever be passed by the players union.

You can reach George at [email protected].

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