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Celebrating Novak by way of fan club

In my younger years I went through a transformation, a metamorphosis if you will. During this transformation I discovered a wonderful TV show. This show has touched the lives of millions, and possibly entertained the politically savvy and the hippy crowd.

This miraculous light I speak of is none other than, CNN’s “Crossfire.” If the students at the University are anything like me, you cannot possibly think of this show without fondly remembering that classic board game (board game? Fighting game? Hell, you know what I mean.)

The hosts are a bunch of fun loving 30, 40 and 70 somethings that like to get it on now and again. No, they do not “get it on,” they get it on in the battle arena, the cable news political commentary battle arena.

The show is really the best working form of bi-partisanship in America. This wacky show was of course dreamed up back in the 60’s when Bob Dole and Michael Dukakis were having one of their famous late night bowl sessions. I know political savvy students have heard this story before so I will not get into details. To get straight to the point, the show’s format consists of some Democrats, appropriately enough sitting on the “left” side of the table, and a few Republicans sitting on the equally far out “right” side of the table. After the cutest little intro you have ever heard, the 30 minute show consists of one side yelling and the other and vice versa, it is really classic TV programming.

On the left sits the “Ragin’ Cajun” James Carville, and the rights favorite political whipping boy, Paul Begala. On the right sits the king of geek chic, Tucker Carlson, and the incomparable Robert Novak. Mr. Novak is most famous for the outrageous parties he used to throw in Studio 54 in the 70’s. He really is the playa’s playa. The man the ladies can not keep their hands off of.

Fortunately for us, Mac Daddy Novak has turned down a life of endless womanizing to pursue his higher calling, political commentary.

Not only is this idol one of the hosts of CNN’s “Crossfire,” he also has a column in the Washington Post. Everyday he is ready to give you a double dosing of the conservative medicine this country needs.

RaaaaahhhBiii (Robby), as the frat boys like to call him, has performed many heroic acts in the face of danger. He has been unquestionably, the most patriotic man on the face of the earth for the last half century. His heroic deeds include revealing the identity of an active, undercover CIA agent and discrediting not only John Kerry’s military service, but also the men who served with him.

In a recent article in the Washington Post he righteously declared that John Kerry’s shipmates only served with him for a period of 5 days of bloody combat. His deductive stills also discovered the man who Kerry saved during Vietnam was only on the ship for a few days.

As The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart put it, “It somehow makes the thing more cowardly,” when referring to the revelations of Mr. Novak. Stewart also applauded Robert Novak for Novak’s courageous service at the Washington Post and CNN’s “Crossfire.” “You truly are a douche bag of liberty,” declared Stewart, who apparently is also a huge fan of Novak.

As for this reporter, I am not quite sure what the word douche bag means, but it got quite a cheer on The Daily Show, so it must be something quite distinguished.

However, Captain America (commonly known as Robert Novak), is currently under fire from those lefty loonies. Liberals fail to see the patriotism displayed by revealing the identity of an active, undercover CIA agent. Dirty, underhanded, despicable: all nasty insults Democrats are throwing at My Man NOOOOvak.

But, after receiving much support from the students at the University, he is fighting back like a real champ. In an October 1, 2003 article Novak cried out for justice, and found it in his column.

“To protect my own integrity and credibility, I would like to stress three points. First, I did not receive a planned leak. Second, the CIA never warned me that the disclosure of Wilson’s wife working at the agency would endanger her or anybody else. Third, it was not much of a “secret,” quotes his October 1st article. So as can be seen, Novak is not responsible for any of the consequences of his actions.

Being incredibly inspired, I have started the Robert Novak Fan Club. Membership has been steadily growing. Newest members include Barry Bonds, Shelly T. from my management 300 class and even Jon Stewart has joined. So with the help of the student population, we can follow the lead set by my this revolutionary. Let Robert Novak lead us to liberty-land!

Join the Robert Novak Fan Club. E-mail George at [email protected].

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