Depression, drug use, chronic illness and country music. What do all of these have in common? Increased suicide rates.

That is right, country music leads to suicide. To quote from the recent article titled “The Effect of Country Music on Suicide,” “The results of a multiple regression analysis of 49 metropolitan areas show that the greater the airtime devoted to country music, the greater the white suicide rate.” This unbelievable finding comes from the work of two great men, Steven Stack of Wayne State University and Jim Gundlach of Auburn University.

This reporter has always been weary about the dangers posed by country music, and now my worst fears have been realized.

Fortunately for the University, certain contingency plans have been put into place for just this occasion. With any luck, the disaster known as country music will be forever wiped off the face of the earth. Some students might be upset that their favorite kind of music will soon be imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay for an indefinite amount of time, but there is just cause for such actions.

This announcement also proves my theory that Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are terrorists. No one else besides God-less America hating “turrists” would knowingly plant the seed of suicide in America’s youth. With that said, the American Music Awards will also be forced to close, considering 98 percent of their awards are for country music artists and bands. I just wish there was some way to link Celine Dion to this conspiracy. She has been a thorn in my sides for far too long.

It is common knowledge that Democratic candidate John Kerry has a whole slew of useless pop stars backing him. The list includes R.E.M., The Dave Matthews Band, Pearl Jam and Bruce Springsteen. None are impressive and none are particularly appealing to the coveted 18-26 demographic that both parties are so eager to snatch up.

However, it is also public knowledge that Mr. Bush’s musical backing comes mostly from … country music! Does this make President Bush a supporter of “turrism”? Not hardly.

In recent rare interviews Bush has explained that CIA Director George Tenet was responsible for the music selection at the Republican National Convention. And since Tenet was removed from office months before the convention even started, it is clear that Bush has gotten to the root of this problem. In fact, this can be seen as one of his most patriotic acts ever.

It is actually a well kept secret that most Republicans do not even like country music. In fact, in Secretary of State Colin Powell’s most recent press conference he confirmed that a major reason that Iraq was invaded, was due to the fact the Saddam Hussein was a major proponent of country music. There are even reports of Saddam wearing cowboy hats and riding a pony with pink hearts painted on its side.

So what is the Republicans choice of music? Blues. Yep. There is a lot of soul underneath the pale white skin of every Republican. Only the rich and white can truly appreciate the blues.

In an attempt to dispel the myth that President Bush likes country music, or worse yet that he is a cowboy, the president has finally allowed Dick Cheney to release his first album. Rumor has it that Cheney had completed the album three years ago but had trouble in post production, and eventually the album was scrapped.

The album is entitled “Bitch Stole my Heart and the Ability to Move the Right Half of my Jaw” and is the first major release from “The Dick Blues Explosion.”

Tracks include “Scary Old Man,” “Overweight and Underpaid,” a cover of “Mama Don’t let your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys,” and the classic “I’m the only one allowed to talk about my gay daughter. If John Kerry mentions I have a gay daughter, legally that’s slander. That little F*%’$# is really looking to get a beat down.”

Students can reserve their own copy online, however it is necessary to fill out a form of allegiance to “The Dick Blues Explosion.” My connections inside the White House were able to get me an advanced copy of the album, and I must say, it will blow your mind. This reporter never thought Cheney had that kind of range or that Condoleezza Rice was so skilled with her hands. Her bass playing is phenomenal. Look for their first single “Blind to the Truth” featuring Ray Charles, to be released early next week.

You can reach George at [email protected].