The seductive power of liberals

Megan Schmidt and Megan Schmidt

You’re not having enough sex.I can tell. You know how I can tell?Recently, George W. Bush pulled ahead of John Kerry in the polls for the upcoming presidential election. That’s how I know you couldn’t possibly be having nearly enough sex.Allow me to explain.Liberals, let’s all agree on something: the Republicans outperform us in many ways.They organize better. They mobilize better. They infuriate the gay community better.We cannot compete with this, and I accept that. Clearly, it is time to drop the charade. We need to quit pretending like we can win this election through meager acts like informing the public about Kerry’s platform. No one cares about platforms! People just want to do what’s hot.That’s why the good people at FTheVote.com have a great idea. This idea will improve not only Kerry’s chances of scoring a gig as president, but your own chances of scoring this Saturday night. Awesome!Signing up to become an F The Vote “model” includes taking on the responsibility of attaining “pledges” — contractual agreements from one-time Bush supporters who are willing to forfeit their Republican vote in exchange for sex. This is where the idea of “taking one for the team” comes into play. Although doing the deed with a conservative may seem unappealing, it is a drastic measure that must be taken for the sake of America.Quite frankly, I think it is honorable. Not whorish. Honorable! Anyone can have sex in the name of love, or in the name of a meaningless one-night stand. But how often do you have the chance to spread your legs for your country? Now that I have convinced you to take up this worthy cause, you are probably saying, “But Megan, how on earth am I going to get my conservative friends to comply with this?” After all, we are talking about a group of people who are so stubborn that even “hot” media criticisms of Bush from numerous celebrities and the controversial “Farenheit 9/11” movie have not even been successful in changing their minds. They are some of the most bullheaded individuals around, so feeling intimidated about approaching them is understandable.However, it’s going to be way easier than you think.As F The Vote points out on its website, “even the most deeply-rooted right-wing ideologue can be manipulated by sex.” Add to this the fact that you are an uber-sexy, progressive thinker, and Republicans will be rendered incapable of resistance. I don’t have to tell you that liberals are hotter than conservatives. You already know that. Conservatives know that, too. That’s why they are at such odds with us. It’s not the social and economic issues we dispute over that divide us. It is that they are jealous of our hot, modern perspectives, and of how strikingly attractive we are.If you think I am wrong, then I ask you to analyze the steamy, seductive atmosphere of the recent Democratic National Convention versus the stiff and unsexy RNC. The Democrats had the eclectic Black Eyed Peas perform at their convention, for example; meanwhile, the Republicans had a line-up comprised almost entirely of country and Christian acts. Which I guess you might consider “hot” if you were having, like, a Bible study party, but for a presidential convention this is clearly second-rate. What I’m trying to say is, the Republicans secretly desire to have not only our firm grasp on all things edgy and provocative, but they also desire us, period. Our open-mindedness intrigues them, especially where sexuality is concerned. Many of them label liberals as having poor morals, but this is just a cover-up for how badly they want to get in our pants. The bottom line is, they know we’re way more fun, and they definitely want “some of that.” Just because Republicans are obsessed with tax cuts does not mean that they don’t realize that some things, like getting laid, are more important than money. As F The Vote says, “Sex drive is a powerful beast that has the potential to change people. People lie for sex, they cheat for sex, they even kill for sex — and you can be sure that people will change the way they think (and vote) for sex.”I know I have all of the campus liberals on my side, but I’m sure many of the conservatives believe that my efforts in writing this column have been futile. You are most likely insulted by my suggestion that you will surrender your voting rights for pleasure.Any doubters are urged to drop me an e-mail. I promise to reply, and perhaps we could arrange to meet up and discuss these matters at length. Maybe I could buy you a drink, and you could come back to my place…Think about it. Let me know.E-mail Megan at [email protected].