Crime drama fanatics are moaning and panting over the latest “CSI” spinoff — “CSI: NY.” That equates to three riveting series in the most hooker-laden of American cities: Los Angeles, Miami, and New York City.
What’s that, forensics junkies? You want another spinoff?
I’m on it.
Title: “CSI: BG.”
Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer. He doesn’t need to have any oversight with the show, but once the show is over, we dramatically put in giant block letters: “EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER.” People will then say, “Wow, that was dramatic,” just like they do when they watch “CSI” or “The Amazing Race.”
Theme song: “What’s My Age Again.” It’s a trite, overused song, and therefore suitable to be a crime drama theme song. If Blink182 refuses to be affiliated with “CSI: BG” (let’s face it, Blink is one of those bands that just doesn’t sell out), then we can tap Randy Newman for a clever ditty. He’s always good for one.
Cast: Brendan Fraser will play Deputy Max Justice. He’s always cast as some kind of odd role.
Linda Fiorentino will play Dr. Joann Fabric, the independent but lovelorn psychiatrist.
Gary Busey will be Lieutenant Louis “Lou” Tenant, the grizzled veteran of the police squad who is always running around and throwing books at the wall.
Ben Stein will play Dr. Fredrick Schmedrick, a professor in the department of
economics.
If the show lasts long enough, we will try to write in Don Knotts as the eccentric landlord.
Episode 1: “Chalk of Mystery” This gripping, chilling, thrilling and must-see episode takes place on campus, where Deputy Justice is called on to find out who has been chalking on the sidewalks. In particular, one cryptic message, “Happy Birthday Leigh,” puzzles Justice. The message, Justice discovers, has been on the north side of Olscamp Hall for several days. Justice calls in to Lieutenant Tenant that he will inquire with several girls as to who Leigh is, when her birthday was and if it was indeed a happy birthday.
Episode 2: “Thursday Night’s Alright for Fighting” Dr. Fabric talks to a troubled college student who gets into a verbal argument with his friend Thursday night at a party. The student, Ben DaRules, claims he is not a violent person, but rather all talk. In a gripping, chilling, thrilling and must-see subplot, Deputy Justice looks into who’s been urinating on the sides of a house on Wooster Street. Justice discovers it is the tenant of the house. Lieu. Tenant screams obscenities at his pencil sharpener. (Special guest star Seann William Scott as Ben DaRules.)
Episode 3: “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘Typo,’ Unless You Misspell It” Deputy Justice investigates The BG News about a very cynical editorial towards Dr. Schmedrick, in which the editorial called him “utterly boring” and “kind of a downer.” In a gripping, chilling, thrilling and must-see scene, Justice smacks the opinion editor around in a closed-circuit room. Dr. Fabric eats alone in her apartment, cries into her glass of wine. (Special guest star Josh Hartnett as hunky editor Matt Sussman.)
Episode 4: “Touchdown, Certain Doom” In the dramatic finish to the debut season, Lieu. Tenant investigates the Bowling Green football team. In particular, Tenant reviews the schedule, which has nothing more than crappy home games. He gets nowhere, then goes ballistic and streaks across the intramural fields. Deputy Justice writes a parking ticket for a silver Ford Focus, illegally parked in front of a tanning salon. Dr. Fabric shacks up with a frat guy. Clearly, this episode is gripping, chilling and thrilling — a must-see. (Special guest stars: Al Pacino as head football coach Brandon Gregg (will they notice the change?), David Spade as captain of the Southeast Missouri State football team, the “Dude You’re Getting a Dell” guy as the lucky frat boy, and Ann B. Davis as Alice.)
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THIS COLUMN: JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Are you willing to be an unpaid extra for “CSI: BG?” Are you willing to broadcast the show on your unlicensed cable station? Are you Gary Busey, looking to exact revenge? E-mail [email protected].
