It’s not news, but at least it’s something

Matt Sussman and Matt Sussman

The four horsemen have mounted their steeds and anxiously await the apocalypse. The BG News has given me my very own page.Then again, it’s not really my page. It was my idea, but the page really belongs to you — the readers.You see, kids, back before most of us were college students (when Creed was cool), there existed a section of BG News called “Page 3.” I believe it was on page three of the paper. That was the humor page. It’s disappearance from the pages back in 2000 is mysterious. There are many theories that explain what happened:1) A learned counsel ruled that Page 3 was unfit for public reading.2) People demanded that instead of humor on page three, a news blotter of stupid behavior were to appear.3) Page 3, despite promising to stay in BG, signed a huge contract with the University of Utah and skipped town.4) Colin Quinn became Page 3 Editor, and the section predictably became unfunny.While none of these theories have yet to pan out, Page 3 is no more — I present to you “Not News.” It is what it sounds — absolutely no news will appear within the boundaries of this page. There may be references to the news, rumors or urban myths, but certainly no actual news. Humor only.Page 3 re-enactment groups all across the city might be burning my likeness in effigy. Sure, there are several reasons for them doing this, but now they finally have a reason. I took their idea and made it my own.Of course, everyone has a unique sense of humor. Some people believe quality laughter is always at the expense of some groups. Others believe the only humor is good clean fun, and these are the people that can only agree on watching “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” together. Some think dirty words are funny, others seek out funny-sounding words (like “masticate” and kumquat”).I can’t promise the humor which will call Not News its home will be funny to 100 percent of the people. It might even be offensive to minorities nobody cares about. Watch your backs, Wyoming!I don’t have anything funny to say in this column, as you have cleverly noted already. However, as the self-proclaimed Not News Editor, I felt it was my duty to inform you that we exist. And to answer a few questions you might have: Yes, our title is meant to be crooked, symbolizing our rebellious attitude towards horizontal text. Yes, it will only appear once a week. No, this new job doesn’t give me break room privileges or stock options — but I do get a ton of spare notepads in case I ever wanted to create a full-length motion picture stick figure cartoon.We also recommend you keep an eye out for those four horsemen. If they ride into campus, it will be due to something I write. Especially if the horsemen are wearing Greek apparel.If you are interested in being a humor columnist for Not News, e-mail Matt at [email protected]. He’d love it.