Incoming college freshmen, you need a reality check.

You are probably assuming that the university lifestyle is a glamorous one. I admit, it’s an easy mistake to make. From our spacious 12′ by 15′ acommodations to the junk food diets we consume, the image that the average college student projects is obviously one of high elegance.

This, however, is not a notion that I, as a sophomore, can allow any of you to carry on believing in. My conscience just deems this unpermissable.

Sure, college is fun. But fun, my friends, is all conditional. Sooner or later, you will have to take measures that will ensure the continuation of your fun (and your presence) at this university.

Those measures, which I do regret having to tell you about, include writing papers.

I’m not going to be unrealistic about it and start preaching that you better start writing every paper you’re assigned to three weeks in advance. Nobody does that. In fact, this kind of attitude will get you nowhere in a college setting.

In college, things “come up.” For example, a buddy knocking on your door at 9 p.m. the night before a huge paper is due and convincing you to go out anyway is not a showcase of your irresponsibility. It’s just something that “came up.”

One option made popular by delusional procrastinators is the often-attempted, but seldom-achieved, “all-nighter.”

The truth is, you probably won’t pull too many all-nighters, but you will come very close very often. And you’ll rack up most of them by scrambling to finish papers, not studying for midterms. This makes good sense, because face it–an underdeveloped thesis will make you look like a much bigger idiot than having a Scantron sheet with two-thirds of the answers wrong.

So get to work on it. So what if it’s 2 a.m., anyway? Just tell yourself that some people choose to do their work during the daylight; you simply chose this particular time of day to do yours. Nothing bizarre or panic-inducing about that.

Most likely, you’re not even alone. One look at your buddy list will prove that at least a handful of your friends are doing the exact same thing. You’ll probably IM each other (because an away message that reads, “ahhh paper due in five hours, leave me alone,” is nothing more than an open invitation to chat), and have a good laugh about it. I would normally caution against this, since it will only eat away at your precious nocturnal minutes. However venting is sometimes the only way to keep going.

Sooner or later, though, it will sink in that you, and only you, are in control of your own paper-writing destiny. This epiphany will probably occur around 4 or 5 a.m., after you’ve meticulously written and re-written your opening paragraph and have just concluded with your first main point. This is where you will inevitably hit a snag, feeling stumped and confused about what direction to take things next.

Someone who had started the paper a little earlier could just sleep on it and come back to it tomorrow, but you cannot afford this luxury. However, this option is clearly for the weak, feeble-minded, anyway.

If you feel the need to play some kind of inspirational music to get really revved up, such as the Rocky theme song, feel free. No dancing though. It will only deplete your energy, or cause an injury, and you certainly do not have time to fit in a hospital visit.

Now you’re going to easily hammer out the rest of your body paragraphs in the next two hours. By 6 or 7 a.m., all that will be left to do will be the dreaded conclusion. This will be the most strenuous part yet, because you must figure out what you’ve been blathering on about for the last four or five pages and decide on a good way to wrap it up … conclusively.

Once you have your conclusion down, rejoice! You’re done! Run spellcheck before you print, because it’s now nearing 8 a.m., so at this point, this paper could be written in Swahili, and you’d still say, “yep, looks good to me.”

I would suggest re-reading it, too, but honestly, if you spent several good, solid hours, then it has to hold some intellectual merit. Don’t be defeated and just expect a bad grade–that’s absurd! Everyone knows that the best papers are always written during that adrenaline-fueled night before the due date.

Of course, it would probably be unwise to place too much faith into this advice I bestow upon you, my dear freshman.

What do you expect?

I wrote this column an hour before it was due.