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BG Falcon Media

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BG Falcon Media

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BG Falcon Media

The BG News
BG24 Newscast
November 30, 2023

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Students get fatter, thanks to finals

Winter is coming and that means one thing for Ohioans: Time to fatten up.

Ohio winters get pretty cold and it is necessary to build up an extra layer of fat to survive and finals week is a good week to get a head start on the fattening process.

Stress levels for students during finals week rise faster than Karl Rove every time he hears another dirty Muslim has been brought to “Texas Justice.”

Stress leads people to eat. So, finals week is actually a gift from the University. It is a Christmas gift to the students from professors and administrators.

I say students should be thankful for this gift and use it to its full potential. Researchers at Stanford and the University of Wisconsin-Madison have concluded that people who sleep less are more likely to eat more. That means the later one stays up watching TV or porn or your hot next door neighbor or dreaming of the first time you climbed the gym rope in class, the more likely they are to get fat.

The lost sleep during finals week and the increased stress all lead to the girl down the hall being called Fatty McEatsalot.

But like I said it is a gift. If you are lucky, your finals week will be so successful that by Christmas, students will not even need to wear a winter coat when they head outside.

It is also sexier than you could possibly imagine. What guy has never fantasized about making out with a girl and that first grab of fat deposits on the upper thigh that just drives men wild?

In fact, larger people are becoming the trend in America. We are in the midst of an obesity epidemic, and there is no sign that Americans are changing. Bigger is better, and that is the way we like our ladies. According to WebMD, “Being too fat may limit the ability of doctors to diagnose conditions through imaging techniques such as ultrasound, MRI, or CT scan,”however, since fat has become the new heroin chic, health concerns and doctors can eat a big fat @$%#.

Lucky for you and me, the fast food companies have anticipated this trend, or at least adapted to it. McDonalds offers its “Super Size,” Wendy’s has a “Biggie Size,” and recently Hardees came up with the “Monster Burger.”

The Monster Burger can provide a growing booty 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. The recommended daily calorie intake, mind you, is 2,000 calories. That is 71 percent of the calories adults need per day. Throw in a large fry and a large Coke, and you are exceeding the daily recommendation. The nice folks at Hardees are just making it easier to get all the calories students could need in one sitting. Finals week comes, and students are eating 2 or 3 a day. In my opinion, doing this is just the fastest and most well-respected way to bulk up for the winter months.

This is not a new trend, of course. Americans have been leaning towards Big Beautiful Women for decades.

There was the J-Lo infatuation at the turn of the millennium. If students at the University can remember that far back, it was a time of big booty. Everyone was looking for a women with junk in the trunk, and J-Lo had the best junk in the trunk to offer. She even insured her junk in case the junk dealers decided to break into her trunk and steal all her goods.

One can look even further back, all the way to Sir Mix-a-Lot if need be. He once said, in an address to the graduates of booty-shakeology of the esteemed Harvard Business School, “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hon’.” And that just about sums up our generation: We like the big booty shakes.

So take your finals seriously, and get to eating. For all ya’ll ladies out there, it is a good way to get that fine hunk of meat you have been after all semester.

And for all ya’ll fellas, encourage your honey to eat all she can and maybe one day, you will be the envy of all on the dance floor. People will be saying “Who is that lucky bastard with that fiiiiine-ass girl over there?”

Heck, even white boys got to shout, baby got back.

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