“Don’t be such a tease. I know you want it. You say no, but your body says something different. Don’t be like that.”
This is something I’ve been told multiple times from different guys, after expressing I didn’t want to continue anything more sexually.
In the end, I was blamed.
“Why didn’t you push them off?”
“Well, you put yourself in that situation. You need to be careful.”
Once again, I was blamed – by peers, friends.
This is why I’ve never been alarmed by the manipulative phrases I’ve been told on numerous occasions by guys who were only worried about getting lucky.
If anyone shared a similar story to mine, my stomach would instantly drop and there’d be no question that it was rape. But it never seemed like a huge deal to me before because I’ve been blaming myself.
And I think the bigger problem here is that I’ve been taught to do so.
Maybe I should have said “no” louder? Maybe I should have fought back? Maybe I wasn’t clear enough?
I’ve blamed myself so many times for being with a guy I said “no” to and then “letting it happen” because he wouldn’t stop trying or wouldn’t get off of me.
Letting it happen does not mean it was consensual. Saying “no” and then going through with sex is not consent. Saying “slow down” does not translate to “not yet.”
I hated myself for not “fighting back” and simply “giving in” because it seemed like the easier, less traumatic thing to do.
It may sound naive, but thinking about the physical force that could have happened if I fought back would have been a constant reminder everyday that it was rape.
If I said “no” a few times and failed, but let it happen, I could simply blame myself for the situation I found myself in. It was an easier scenario to live with and I could almost fool myself into thinking that it was consensual.
And next time I would ensure that I would be more careful. I would promise myself, even. I would be less trusting and I’d build up more walls, protecting myself.
Because this is what society teaches us [victims] to do. Because if I’ve been taken advantage of I’m just a “slut who asked for it.” Because I’m 5’0 and should be more careful because I’m an “easy target.”
From analyzing these situations, I realized something: I am not to blame.
We [students] need to stop blaming people for the terrible experiences they’ve encountered and start teaching our peers, friends, younger siblings, etc. to value one another and maybe we can prevent some future abuse.
The problem starts with something we learned in elementary school: respect [something Aretha Franklin should have taught everyone in 1967].
I know we cannot completely prevent rape or abuse from happening, but we can choose how we react to it.
We can choose to teach others respect and responsibility instead of teaching victims to live in fear or that maybe, just maybe, they “asked for it.”
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