For me, a big guy (read: lazy fatass), I never really thought about working out. Getting out of bed in the morning is enough for me. Carrying a pizza up a flight of stairs is all the workout I need.

But, last week I had an extreme lapse in judgment and decided to go to one of these so-called “gyms” and have a real workout.

I figured I needed to lose a little poundage before the big festive eating season approaches. I decided to go along with my two buddies, whom, for the sake of confidentiality, I will refer to as “Colby” and “Randy.”

Because I’ve never really worked out, I wasn’t really sure what the proper attire was.

Looking through my clothes, all I could find was an old orange BG shirt, Hawaiian-print red, white, and blue swim trunks, and red and black checkered Vans. Colby put it best when he said it was the gayest outfit he’s ever seen.

Once we got into the gym, a feeling of intense awe/horror swept over me as I looked upon the instruments of torture all around. Weights, chains, ropes, leather and big yoga balls. I was waiting to find The Machine from “The Princess Bride” sitting in the corner. But Randy assured me that everything was going to be alright, so we started with some dumbbell exercises.

Because I couldn’t find any weights less than five pounds, I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to do some actual work. Then I learned we were going to do three reps of 10. Fantastic. As we got going, I was surprised: it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I was having fun.

So, after we finished with the dumbbells, we moved onto the free weights. At this point, I was excited to see how much weight I could bench.

I figured, being the big guy I am, I could easily get by benching about 175-180. Oh, no, no, no. I forgot that part about me being never working out.

I only lifted 100 pounds. I cried on the inside. And felt massive pain on the outside. I never understood what people meant by deep burn, but now I do. It’s like the sensation I get when I pee, but in my arms. Very odd.

Then, for our final little exercise, we did something called a “dumbbell run.” This is where you start lifting the heaviest dumbbells you can, as many times you can, as fast as you can.

Yes, it’s as exciting as it sounds. Twenty minutes of constantly pushing yourself to lift more sure is an exhilarating experience (note the sarcasm).

Well, after we were done, Randy told me that I might feel a little pain the next morning. Apparently, what Randy calls “a little” pain, I call “BLINDING” pain. I hurt in places I didn’t even know existed. It was pretty insane. I couldn’t even lift my arms for most of the day.

So, what did I gain from this experience? Pain, humiliation, people questioning my sexuality and just plain misery.

Almost like any date I’ve ever been on. But, knowing my friends, I’ll probably be dragged into another session soon. Oh well.

Jon ([email protected]) prefers his recliner and a large bag of Cheetos.