With BG’s homecoming fast approaching, it seems to be a good time to reflect on the sadomasochistic ritual known as high school homecoming.

Surely you remember the girls with gravity-defying hair, wearing dresses that cost more than your first car. Meanwhile, the guys wore khakis, and, if the girl was lucky, a shirt with buttons.

I would go into homecoming knowing it would most likely be awful, and yet even with these low expectations, homecoming managed to reach new levels of crappiness every year.

This is in large part due to the music that was played. Contrary to what you may have learned from sitcoms, if you write Davy Jones a letter, The Monkees won’t play at any of your school functions.

At my high school the music was provided by DJ Satan. Instead of playing good music, homecoming usually devolved into a parade of the most annoying songs ever foisted on the public, the worst of which are documented here, in no particular order:

The Funky Chicken

Whenever this began playing, I would immediately become physically ill, having just realized that I had gone to the trouble of attending an event that featured glorified polka music.

I have also been told, by numerous reputable sources, that this song is one of Congress’ recently approved methods of torture.

Cotton Eyed Joe

“Country plus techno” pretty much equals “The Devil’s Revenge at God for Creating a Beautiful World.” This song was written under the false pretense that combining two things that suck would make something that somehow doesn’t completely suck.

This assumption is very wrong. I don’t know where you are going, Cotton Eyed Joe, but I know where you came from: the depths of hell.

Y.M.C.A.

I will never understand the appeal of this song. It is also notable that when played at homecoming, it is the only socially acceptable time for a group of men to dance to a Village People song in public.

The Cha-Cha Slide

Seven minutes of some creepy guy telling me what to do and how to dance? Sounds like fun, please play it twice! (They actually played this song twice during my senior homecoming).

I don’t understand why people like being told exactly what to do during a song, but then again, I’m a true American who strives for freedom in his dancing.

Incidentally, this is the official dance song of the old Soviet Republic.

Most men on the dance floor fell into two groups: the first group was the kids who were shy and nerdy and didn’t have the confidence to dance in front of people. The second group consisted of the popular guys who were just too cool to dance.

This resulted in women simply dancing around the popular guys while the nerds stood in a circle discussing the finer points of The Lord of the Rings (there were also rumors of a third group existing, but they were outside by their cars getting trashed).

But no matter what group you were in, homecoming was a time to come together with your peers and thank God that once you graduate you won’t be forced to spend time with them ever again.

Daniel Haney ([email protected]) is doing the electric slide right now.