Quiver, gentlemen, quiver. This chickadee is about to parody a stereotype. That’s right, I’m about to flaunt my double-x-ness to the point that you feel like you need to eat three dozen raw eggs, drink an entire keg and play football for five days straight.

In the coming moments you are more than likely to roll your eyes, laugh nervously and make my barbed accusations your claim to belching-maledom. Because I know you’re already aware about what I’m going to nag about – and there’s nothing we ladies can do about it …

In the past two supine years, as the girlfriend of a football-wooting-couch-commanding fella, I viewed nearly every collegiate and professional football game, UFC match and episode of “The Man Show” aired. Why is this you might be wondering?

It’s because my ex-boyfriend weighed nearly forty-pounds more than me and when he sat on me I was unable to breathe, let alone grab for the clicker.

However, to me the living room became an arena and our fight for the remote was a modern-day episode of American Gladiator – where I had to protect my right to watch Ellen.

To my defeat, he was always the Gladiator and I was just the sickly contender … and even if I got the remote I’d end up forking it over. I mean, it wasn’t that important to me. However I was always aware that our leisure time was hardly an egalitarian experience. I eventually learned to appreciate Monday night football and “Bass Masters” … or at least pretend to. I have to say, it was quite an educational experience.

Not that I learned jack about football or fishing but I did learn the various ways in which the male gender manipulates the remote control.

Firstly, there’s “surfing.” Surfing is when the guy sitting on the couch next to you lifts one arm to examine the aroma of his armpit while using the other to click the channel button at rapid-fire so that the stations are changed so swiftly that you can barely contest something looks interesting.

You see, this attack is multi-faceted. Not only is he utilizing his gross-out factor to sway your attention from the act of dominating the remote but he is also limiting our ability to protest by not even giving us an option.

This form of mind-ninjaing is highly ineffective because we women just complain about the speed that he is changing the channel.

Nice try guys, but after hundreds of years of evolution we’ve been bred to deal with your disgusting behinds.

Another typical habit of the male gender is “zapping”. This can be considered the most annoying of their attempts to play couch commando. Even when watching one less-than-titillating show on ESPN I would somehow become consumed in their mindless sports banter just to be ripped away to another channel. Bring to mind the image of a cartoon steaming from the ears with skin the color of crayola red. Yeah, that was me. Just as I got hooked on one show he found it necessary to zap to some other show just to make sure he wasn’t missing anything. As if the worl d might end if he didn’t watch every one of the 12,000 ESPN channels they were subscribed to in one sitting.

The last of these battle moves that I would like to explore I call “zoning”. I have to give you props for this one, guys. Despite the fact that the intelligence behind it is rather elementary it’s not a bad idea. Girls, the next time you think that he’s actually being generous pay close attention to his body language. Picture this: You’re cuddled up on the couch, actually watching something you chose. This is what he does, and you may have never noticed it, but Ladies, I’m here to liberate you. The next time he turns to give you one of those little kisses that says “I have no reason to be kissing you, I just really want to kiss you right at this moment” or he asks you how your grandmother is (“Isn’t that sweet? He really cares about my grandma…”) you keep your eyes on that remote! His little slip of cuteness is the perfect distraction to either “zap” to something he’d rather be watching or “surf” as quickly as possible away from the Lifetime channel. Tricky, tricky. We’re so excited by the idea of them embracing a sensitive side that we don’t even notice. Suddenly he’s just so cute you want to watch “Howard Stern”.

Take careful note, my fellow females. Men can be quick to perpetuate their gender roles- but just remember we have ways to keep them in line too. Think “chastity belt”.