A tribute to manliness

Colby James and Colby James

God did not rest on the seventh day – God took a bottle of Awesomeness, mixed it with a fifth of Whoop-Ass and sent his magnificent creation to earth. I know this because divine intervention is the only way to account for the otherwise inexplicable amount of sheer manliness manifested in flesh and named Bear Grylls.

For those of you who are unfortunate enough to not know the legend of Bear Grylls, let me explain. Bear Grylls is a lot like Steve Irwin on steroids – only more extreme and more alive.

Admittedly, many of us were upset when our favorite Crocodile Hunter sadly passed on via hilarious circumstances: there was an empty space in our hearts that only a crazy, animal-abusing foreigner could fill. This is when Bear Grylls came out of hibernation, and he not only filled that void in our hearts, he kicks our asses too! Bear Grylls is crazy, and I don’t mean feed-infants-to-crocodiles crazy, but fearless crazy, where the only thing that scares him is the thought of Michael Jackson baby-sitting his children.

Bear Grylls is British, but he’s so cool it’s easy to overlook that particular shortcoming. Don’t believe me? Take a look at his résumé:

He is a black belt. That means he can jump kick you in the face and make it spin a full 360 degrees, “Exorcist” style! At the tender age of 23, he climbed Mount Everest and served in the British Special Operations forces – and thank God he wasn’t around during the Revolutionary War, as he could single-handedly uppercut all of our forefathers into oblivion, we’d all be singing “God Save the Queen” and practicing poor dental hygiene.

Recently, I watched in awe as he stole a beehive from a swarm of killer bees, and tried to tame a wild horse by jumping on its back. (Unfortunately the horse bucked him off, but rumor has it he later found that horse and pimp-smacked the toothy grin right off its damn horse face.)

When Bear Grylls isn’t eating snakes and drop-kicking polar bears, he is hosting the Discovery Channel show “Man vs. Wild” every Friday at 9 – which is good because it fills my otherwise empty Friday nights with something to look forward to.

For those of you lame enough to watch MTV instead of the Discovery Channel, here’s the plot of the show: Bear Grylls flies over a random location, does an awesome back flip out of a plane and parachutes to the ground. Using only a knife, water bottle, and sometimes a piece of flint, he stabs, rips and pulverizes his way back to civilization.

Supposedly the show is a “how to survive” tutorial where you learn cool tricks like how to pee on and wear your turban to keep cool in the desert, or drink the moisture out of fresh elephant poop to ward off dehydration in the African Savannah – a stunt that made my girlfriend cringe in disgust and ask me to change the channel until I sternly warned her, “Don’t make me choose between Bear Grylls and you, because Bear will win.”

However, the real reason the show was created is so Bear Grylls can show off how manly he is by beating up animals and putting himself in near-death situations so stupid children at home can die trying to imitate it – Darwinism at its finest.

One of my favorite aspects about the show is how Bear always manages to find an excuse to kill things. A few episodes ago he made a throwing club out of a stick and killed a rabbit on his first throw from about 20 yards away, but that’s only half as cool as the time he pinned down a king salmon with a stick, punched it to death, ate it raw, and looked up at the camera and said, “This is the freshest Alaskan Salmon I’ve ever had!”

And to the wussies (or animal rights activists, as I hear they prefer to be called), don’t worry when there is nothing around for him to kill, because Bear is happy to eat berries, leaves and tree bark. Also, you’ll be relieved to know that he usually ends with a sappy message about respecting nature’s beauty – which is the show’s only downfall.

Bear Grylls has balls of steel that would make a sack of grapefruits feel inadequate. So next time you’re at home on Friday, turn on the Discovery Channel and check out “Man vs. Wild.” I must warn you, the show is so awesome you’ll want to have a change of pants handy: You’ll end up soiling yourself at least four times.

Colby James [email protected] invites you to join the official Bear Grylls’ fan club.