Ahhh Christmas. Hot chicks in the mall dressed as elves, spiked eggnog and society justifying my abstinence from wasting money buying gifts for others while I get a boatload of all the green sweaters I need because I’m “in school.”

While sitting on my couch watching reruns of “A Christmas Story” for over a week isn’t much different than what I do here (replace the movie with playing Halo until I’m near comatose and add in listening to a bunch of bs lectured to me periodically) there are certain things that will be new. For the millions ” and millions of Greg fans, you all know that I just got out of a two-year relationship. That means this Christmas I’m gonna be that guy – the single guy.

Don’t think I don’t know what to expect. My mom is gonna lay in a well-meaning pep talk. “Oh Greg, you’re such a good looking young man, so nice and smart. Any girl would be lucky to have you!” Thanks mom, that makes the past seven months of failed-possibly-contemplating-interested-we’re just friends dynamics makes me feel like it was just Ms. Right’s misunderstanding. Then grandma is gonna drop the sympathy act, “Greg, I just want to see my only grandson get married before I’m done on this Earth.” Great, now my epic failures with girls is somehow hurting more than just me.

In preparation for the inevitable insults that will be thrown my way, I’ve come up with a few ways to respond. The first logical argument I’ll respond with is the “I’m still recovering” schtick. This involves tearing up a bit and blaming my breakup back in June for my current failures. Who’s gonna give me crap back? I may sound like a girl but when I mention how I miss the one who’d wash my laundry and bring me beers during the game, people will start to understand.

The next idea I have is blaming it on the native gene pool.

Now New England girls are smart, cute, fun, like good sports teams, loyal, flexible, and only think they’re right about 75 percent of the time. I think on a good day I may be able to name three or so girls I’ve met here that exhibit maybe two of those traits. Now I don’t know what it is about Ohio, but clearly something about the local culture proliferates a skewed sense of what a real woman is.

I’m sure everyone back home will relate to this, as attempting to date anyone out of the New England area is risky at best, knowing the literacy and general education rate of the rest of the country. Add in that most women here have an affinity to be pigheaded and shallow and it’s a recipe for disaster striking up a relationship here.

My next retort is talking a big game. I can ramble off about how many one night stands, hookups, and walk of shames I’ve forced on the female population of BG.

Now to some that may sound a little out of character for me, but telling about my sexual exploits will really win me the male swing vote. Especially in a group of old married couples (where, like in every relationship the man controls everything), getting the men to praise me and shower me with “that-a-boy, Greg!” will end the conversation flat.

Also, saying that you’re “working on yourself” is a great cop-out.