My love life sucks. Most people have relationship horror stories. My life is the entire movie. 

So why even tell you about my cursed romantic past? Well, I believe the reason I was put on this earth was to entertain people and give people a reason to feel better about themselves in some way. To show people who might be going through something they aren’t alone. By that logic, hopefully my troubled past gives people someone to look at and say, “Hey, it could be worse. You could be that guy.” I am indeed that guy. 

The first girlfriend

I’ll never forget my first “girlfriend.” When you’re young and shy, talking to the girl you like is like working a tricky machine at the gym: the last thing you want to do is do it wrong. You also sweat a lot. That’s why it was such a shock when one day she approached and asked if I wanted to be her “boyfriend.” Without hesitation, I said yes. Five minutes later the celebration was lost when she immediately asked her friend if the bet was over now. As someone who was always more interested in having one girl over a thousand girls, it was a crushing blow, but I survived. I was also nine, so I figured things couldn’t possibly get worse from here. Boy, was I wrong.

The First Girlfriend II

It wasn’t until middle school when I had my first real “girlfriend.” She had real nice — ahem — eyes. She ended up being my first kiss, so for once I finally felt like I was doing something right with this girl. Unfortunately, it only lasted two weeks until she broke up with me. She said she wanted to be single for the summer. What she really meant was to be able to party without limitations holding her back. I was such a mess after finally ending up with someone, so I took her back after she apologized a couple days later … only to be cheated on almost immediately after. Because I was so desperate to maintain the high of being with someone, I ended up making a real idiot out of myself. I spent my time trying to get over it, glued to my headphones and wallowing in my sorrow. I also beat my meat a lot. That helped a little.

Early high school horrors 

I coasted through my freshman year of high school with very few attempts at getting back in the game. Crushes came and went, but shockingly my tactic of being terrified to say anything to the girls I liked wasn’t persuading anyone to make passionate love to me. It wasn’t until my sophomore year when things really started to get juicy again. And by juicy, I mean terrible. 

I became infatuated with a girl and asked her to be my homecoming date. I did everything right. I bought a bouquet of flowers, surprised her and asked her to the dance. She said yes. Success. That is until about 20 minutes later when she texted me in a mean-spirited manner asking why I did it. Turns out she was interested in somebody else. I heard later she threw my bouquet of flowers in the trash. I had been given a yes followed almost immediately by a no by the same girl. Surely this must be a rare incident, right?

Later in the year, I began crushing on a girl in my math class. In hindsight I wouldn’t say it was ever anything too serious, but a crush is a crush nonetheless. I still see this girl to this very day. That makes it sound like things ended up well for her and I. However, the reason I still see this old crush of mine is because she has now been my brother’s girlfriend for three years. 

The First Girlfriend III: I swear to God it happens this time

Junior year was better. After asking a different girl to homecoming and getting a yes followed by yet another no, I asked another girl on a date and got a yes. This blossomed into my first real relationship that actually lasted a substantial amount of time. She was quirky and dorky in a way that was right up my alley, and I really was falling in love with her. That’s why when she abruptly broke up with me six months in, I nearly cried enough tears to last me the next five years. This was also the day Prince died, so this wasn’t exactly the greatest day ever. I never got an answer. All she said was it wasn’t my fault. Well, as it turns out it really wasn’t me as she came out as a lesbian about a year or two later. She’s now dating a family friend’s daughter, because of course she is. 

Senior year wasn’t very noteworthy after how shattered my heart was. I met a new girl who I thought I could genuinely marry based on how compatible we were, but she had a long-time boyfriend. She was who I wanted to ask to prom, so I was going to go alone. At the last minute, I decided to ask a different girl for the hell of it. Much to my surprise, I got a yes. You can probably see where this is going. Eventually she backed out, leaving my win/loss record for dances technically at 3-3 (?) for those keeping score. Why do good things happen to handsome people? 

The latest 

You’d think a shift to college would’ve made things better, but you’d be wrong. Even with sexy new glasses and a transition to being a bandana guy, every girl I’ve pursued has been a dead-end for one reason or another. Asked one girl out, she claimed she didn’t really date, and then I saw her name on a Tinder profile a day later. Started talking to and asked a different girl out, said she was busy when she actually had a boyfriend at another university. The most infamous of the bunch was a girl I got close with who I ended up asking out. She said yes, but then kept pushing it off until finally revealing she wasn’t actually interested because I wasn’t as into politics as her — not agreeing or disagreeing with her stances, just the fact that I didn’t speak of it as much. 4-4 with four different gals. 

While it obviously hasn’t happened yet, I’m still optimistic that one day it will. I hope someone learns to always smile in the face of adversity and be able to laugh at their past from me. And for anyone who might be struggling just as bad as me, I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, there’s a lot of porn out there. The real name’s Ryan, but most people call me RC. You can call me what you want, but the one thing you can never call me is lucky.