Patient men are often the lucky ones

The best advice for a lonely man is to have patience. “A girl will come around when you least expect it,” a friend might say to you. Well, in my case, that time would be right about now, given my recent staunch platform on how all girls are stupid. And by “all girls,” I mean all girls who don’t read my columns. I surely don’t mean you, my faithful reader. (Please disregard the last two sentences if you’re a dude).

This is great advice for the lovelorn. Those who request a “table for one” should act as naive as America was on Sept. 10, 2001. In time, the lonely hearts will bump into other bachelors, and maybe – just maybe their love will blossom into a very extravagant and boring wedding.

However, I’m not here to provide hope to the dateless boys of America. They ‘re all quite happy with their Dungeons ‘ Dragons parties on Friday nights. What I really want to do is make fun of a presidential hopeful that is not married.

That’s right, I’m talking about Dennis “The Love Menace” Kucinich, the 57-year-old Democrat from Ohio. His dream is to be the master of the White House, but he probably isn’t even master of his own domain, in a manner of speaking. His turn-ons include universal health care, education and the environment. His turn-offs include NAFTA, the Patriot Act and Roseanne. And guess what ladies: he is single!

Seriously, people. Because Jennifer Lopez hasn’t seen a camera in days, we are finding space on TV to talk about Kucinich’s “ideal woman,” as he described during a forum about women’s issues.

So, Denny, what kind of a woman are you looking for?

“I certainly want a dynamic, outspoken woman who was fearless in her desire for peace in the world and for universal single-payer health care and a full employment economy,” He then proclaimed to the nation, “If you are out there, call me.” Easy girls, don’t all dial down the center at once. Give the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders a chance to contact him – they don’t get off practice for another couple of hours. While this premise has “horrible reality television show” written all over it, the networks have already spent too much money on reality programming that reveals to America that dating is hard. For example, the show “Average Joe” consists of an extremely beautiful woman picking between several average-looking males in a contest of who will be the most whipped man in history. How come they don’t make a reality show about finding Kucinich’s “ideal first lady”?

Because he is serious about this, that’s why. So he doesn’t have a TV show about his love life. He has the next best thing. Politics, which has always been my favorite Web site concerning political issues in New Hampshire, has decided to take action. The Web site will accept personals for their contest “Who Wants to Be a First Lady?” in an attempt to find the most suitable partner for our Ohio bachelor. As of yesterday afternoon, there have been three lucky women who have thrown their bras into the ring. Here’s the best part: The people of the great state of New Hampshire will be in charge of the selection process, because everybody knows all New Hampshire natives are great at making love. Will this help Kucinich’s popularity? Well, it worked for Michael Douglas in that “The American President” movie. There is only one problem. Have you ever seen Dennis Kucinich? Take one look at the photograph on the front page of his Web site ( and you’ll agree that he looks like a cold stethoscope was just placed on his hindquarters. (Yes, I know stethoscopes aren’t used back there, but I couldn’t think of anything else).

Do I seriously wish Dennis Kucinich the best of luck in finding a strong woman to back his presidential campaign, despite the fact that he will lose on account of not being a celebrity? Well, to be honest with you, I really don’t care that much. It’s not like he’ll be stealing away any girl that I want to date. Heck, it’s not even probable that he will win the New Hampshire primary, especially if the “love experts” pair him up with a political gold digger. So why did I write about a presidential candidate and his search for a partner? My dad loves politics, and I’m out of the loop. I thought he’d get a kick out of it if I finally wrote about something related to the government.

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