I take pride in knowing that I am a full-time college student and financially independent.
Besides the occasional family loan [thanks to my dad and sister], I like to think I work for everything I have. I’ve never been handed anything and I was raised to question something if it was handed
to me.
I’d say I’m stubbornly independent, but I’ve come to realize that’s not a positive attribute.
I refuse to ask for help. I have too much pride to admit when I make a mistake or when I fail.
I usually wait until it’s too late, until I’ve sunk into oblivion and I have to say, “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!”
I like to pretend I have everything together, but that’s not the reality.
A while ago I was venting to my mom on the phone, disgusted with the individuals who do not have jobs, pay for any of their needs on their own and solely rely on their parents to support them.
She reminded me that, although some students may not be as financially independent as I like to think I am, I’m not as emotionally independent as I need to be.
I told her that besides having a pet of some kind I didn’t think I could ever live alone. I wouldn’t
want to.
If I went home after having a terrible day of classes or a mentally draining day at work, I wouldn’t want to go home to an
empty house.
I like knowing that when I go home I can count on someone to say, “Ashley, how was your day?”
Maybe it sounds silly, but just someone else’s presence is comforting and provides a sense of security. It says I’m not alone.
This is where my mom turned the conversation around on me.
She told me to stop being bitter about how some people do not have to work as hard as I do for what they have. She said that I’m not perfect and have
many flaws.
She also reassured me that she’ll always be there for me when I need to vent or cry and how she’ll always be on my side, but that I cannot fall back on a phone call with family members to make me feel better.
I need to do it on my own, comfortably and
with confidence.
And she’s right. Some people will never reach a certain level of independence and some people just get there at a different time in their life.
That’s not for me to judge.
Instead, I need to focus on myself and work to be a better person.
It’s OK to not completely like who you are at times, but when you truly love yourself is when you’ll finally be emotionally stable.
I know I still have a long way to go and that’s OK with me.
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