“I understand” is underrated.
There is an episode in one of the later seasons of the popular show Parks and Recreation in which Ann (Rashida Jones) is having a baby with Chris, and she is feeling disgruntled.
Ann’s hormones are off the charts and she is a million different kinds of emotional, most without any basis on physical needs. She merely is having feelings and wants a shoulder to cry on.
Well, Chris doesn’t really allow that to happen. Every day he comes home having done all kinds of baby research and bombards Ann with this useful information. She has a hard time getting a word in edge-wise, even in the case when he asks directly how her day was, for when she says, “Well I’ve been feeling…” Chris is at the ready with what he perceives to be all the solutions to all her woes.
The comedy comes in when Ann then resorts to going into the Parks department office and using the gang’s hangout time for her time to vent her frustrations. Desperate to get their “wine and cheese tasting” time back for themselves, they confront Chris and give him some simple enough advice: “Shut up.”
They coach him on the most appropriate way to respond to Ann’s troubles. She doesn’t need a hero, she is independent. She seeks a relationship with Chris in order to have an emotional bond, not for him to fix everything.
When the time comes later that night, he asks her, rather timidly, “How was your day?” To which she responds honestly and emotionally. She then pauses, also timidly, expecting Chris to launch into his helpful tirade. He responds, at the advice of the gang with, “That sucks.” Ann still waits…and then sensing that he is in turn actually waiting to hear more, continues.
“That sucks” is a statement of understanding without the presumption of all-knowingness.
Too often, we feel that when a person is pouring their heart out to us, that they are seeking our help and some kind of expertise. This is usually not the case; if a person is seeking guidance, they will directly ask for it in the context of the conversation.
The simple statement of “I understand,” goes a long way. Your friend will be grateful for the chance to be heard and accepted.
There are many different phrases that represent understanding, and even probe further. I’m not going to give any away here, and instead prompt you to think about your listening skills. Venting and the like are unlike typical conversations. The biggest contribution you can make can be simple affirmations that your friend is heard.
Respond to Tabitha
