In my various exploits around this universe and others, I have seen a great many things. One of the things that will always stick with me is what I would like to share with you today.

Many people the world over know about the film Star Wars and its sequels, spin-offs, action figures, video games and so on.

But what many people do not know is that Star Wars is actually a documentary based on the real-life adventures of people waging a war for freedom in a different galaxy.

From watching the films, you know what a Jedi is – a knight charged with protecting the galaxy from evil. We get the impression from these films that Jedi are noble, gentle beings that always know what is happening and what will happen.

However, in my exploits, I had the opportunity to interview a real-life Jedi. What I found, and what you will find, is that Jedi are not normally as noble as the films show. They are more down to earth, and they are definitely not perfect.

The following is a transcript of this interview.

Jeff Lombardi: Hello, Bil-Yesko Melgin. Thank you for sitting down and talking to me. As you know, Jedi are being portrayed in the films as being perfect and too noble. I am very glad you are able to converse with me about a real-life Jedi.

Bil-Yesko Melgin: Hey, we do what we can, I guess. I’m just trying to spread the word. And please, call me Bill.

JL: Okay, Bill, what is the word?

BYM: Well, what I mean is that we’re not all like Obi-Wan, you know? That guy was such a nerd. I mean, who would actually put down their sword in a battle? He did not think that one through.

JL: But he was trying to protect Luke, wasn’t he?

BYM: Well, yeah, but what’s the best way to protect someone? Die?

JL: Alright, I get your point. Let me ask you this then. What is the difference between you and how Jedi are portrayed on film?

BYM: They’re always seen either trying to move stuff with their hands – and not just normal stuff, but big things that could help other people or saying something insanely cryptic. You know half the fun of being a Jedi is not having to get up to make a sandwich? I just gotta wave my hand for a minute and viola – ham and Swiss. What I’m trying to say is, we’re not above everyone else – we’re not always trying to save other peoples’ lives.

We have our own needs, too.

JL: Speaking of needs, I have heard rumors that celibacy is not a definite requirement of being a Jedi. Is this true?

BYM: Definitely not, my friend. The ones who stay single, or even celibate, are the ones that are REALLY into it, you know what I mean? The ladies don’t want to talk to them, because they’re complete nerds, and then they officially say “Okay, I’m celibate now. No ladies for me. They confuse the Jedi mind.”

JL: So you’re saying that being celibate is not always a choice?

BYM: Do you really think Yoda can get any ladies? How do they even know what he’s saying? I was with him once at this bar in the Yorstin Nebula – he was trying to talk to this chick and he goes, “Pretty hot, you are. Leave you with me, you will.” The girl just glared at him for a minute, really confused, and just walks away without saying a word. Totally classic.

JL: While we’re on the subject of ladies, do you ever use your Jedi mind trick?

BYM: Heh”uh”I don’t know how to answer that”

JL: You did, didn’t you?!

BYM: No”I have never used the Jedi mind trick on ladies”you will change the subject”

JL: No”you have never used the Jedi mind trick on ladies”I will change the subject”ahem. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me there. So, was Anakin really as bad as the films made him out to be?

BYM: Definitely not. You know how films are – they totally exaggerate things. The people involved in the films were just really jealous of Anakin for being able to get a girlfriend. And not just any girlfriend, but a queen, for crying out loud.

JL: So he never turned evil or anything like that?

BYM: No, it’s completely made up. If anything, Obi-Wan’s the bad guy on this one. He blew the whole situation out of proportion. Anakin came home one day and said “Hey Obi, I met a beautiful girl! She’s totally a queen and she’s really into me!” From that point, Anakin and Obi-Wan started to stop being friends so much. They eventually got into a fight over it.

JL: Like in Episode III?

BYM: Sort of. They got into a fight…alright, an argument. That whole battle sequence near the end of Episode III? Never happened. Anakin does not walk around in a suit these days due to deformed body features. Obi-Wan punched Anakin in the shoulder and ran off crying. Anakin had a bruise for about two days.

JL: Wow. So why is it so different in the movie?

BYM: Obi-Wan was involved in the making of the movie version, and Anakin was shut out of the production. So, Anakin didn’t get any input into the movie. Therefore, Anakin gets messed up in a volcano-planet, which doesn’t even exist, and Amidala dies during the birth of the twins Luke and Leia.

JL: Wait, so she’s still alive???

BYM: Oh, yeah. Anakin, Amidala, Luke and Leia have a home in the Hulto system. I was just there last week. Gorgeous home – very big. Anakin just got a high-paying job moving entire factories with his mind.

JL: Wow. I am blown away. This whole thing has been really eye-opening for me. Is there any final thing you’d like to say?

BYM: Uh, well, I’d just like to say that we’re not nerds. Yes, I have a light saber, but I don’t carry it around with me. I use it to make toast. We do not dress like in the movies. For the record, I am wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Obi-Wan and Yoda do. So please, when you think of a Jedi, do not think of how we are portrayed in the movies. Those people are equal to the people that play the game Dungeons and Dragons on your planet. We are just people with a gift – a totally kickin’ gift.

JL: Thank you very much for your time.

BYM: Thank you for helping me to get the word out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a party to get to.

Send comments to Jeff at [email protected]