The important reasons to become a vegetarian

U-Wire and U-Wire

Heaven on earth. For some that means having more money than MC Hammer did in 1992. For some, it’s reuniting with God after passing through St. Peter’s gate. For others it’s just kicking back and watching an episode of ‘The Hills’ (guilty as charged!). Many’ students earn their eternal happiness by making pilgrimage to the famous chicken joint near campus. Once there, they’re finally allowed to bask in the glorious aroma of fried, battered chicken in all its greasy goodness. Why, then, would we ask all of you to suppress your deepest, most passionate cravings and go veg? Why do we endure the pain of walking right past Al’s Italian Beef and straight into Whole Foods for a custom-made serving of leaves, carrots, and other utterly disgusting vegetables? We’ll tell you why. Well, it’s obviously the right thing to do for various moral, ethical, and health reasons. Unfortunately, we could care less about morals, ethics, or health, and like all great theorists, we’ve decided to force our epiphany on all of you. Chances are, if you’re not trying to block out your chem professor’s voice right now, you are currently sitting at one of our fine dining halls, chomping down on some of the finest beef-pork-squirrel-kangaroo. That brings us to our first reason for going veg: You can eat more before getting full. Seriously, neither of us has had a satisfying meal since making the switch. Becoming a herbivore will ensure that you continuously eat food. In fact, you’ll eat so much, that you and your outrageously priced thirteen meal a week plan will actually be a liability to Northwestern. Look at the change you’re already making! We might as well start calling you Barack O’Gandhi. We realize most of you are already convinced, and we could end our argument right here. There are a bunch of other reasons to stop putting meat in your mouth. Being vegetarian forces you to try new things; you can’t just eat burgers or chicken wraps for every meal. Before turning vegetarian neither of us had even tried things like baba ganoush or painting the Rock. Now we’re constantly painting our life-size cutout of WWE superstar Dwayne Johnson. The proof is in the pudding, folks. Check out this list of awesome celebrities throughout history who have embraced the vegetarian lifestyle: Brad Pitt, Vincent van Gogh, fictional character Clark Kent, Carrie Underwood and Buddha. Compare that list to these assumed carnivores: Mel Gibson, Barry Bonds, Chris Brown and Osama Bin Laden. So whose side are you on? Superman’s or a wife-beater’s? Most religions say eating meat will send you straight to purgatory, or, in the very best case scenario, reincarnated as an aardvark. Vegetarians nearly always end up as sea turtles or better. If you don’t want to take our word for it, listen to Alicia Silverstone on She remains hot to this day thanks to a steady diet of tofu, sprouts and cauliflower, which we know because she gave her testimonial naked. Finally, we would like to point out that these animals are real creatures. The Web site cites scientific studies that show pigs are as smart as most three-year-olds. You might be thinking, ‘Hey, they promised not to resort to making this a moral issue.’ We aren’t. We just wanted to point out that if you are going to eat anything with the intelligence of an adolescent, you should probably just eat us for writing this column.