Cheney reemerges now that Obama is in charge

Ladies and gentlemen, the devil has returned and he is being broadcast on televisions nationwide. His evil return is guaranteed to bring devastation and maybe even make your head explode. I am of course talking about the return to television of former Vice President and primary American fascist, Dick Cheney. I really do not understand what has compelled good ol’ Dick to come out now just to bash the Obama White House for press releases and other media-related goings on, when Dick couldn’t even be bothered to do so when he and Bush were in office not five months ago. This is a man who was rushed away to an undisclosed location after 9/11 and, as far as we all know, stayed there, living on granola bars and the sweet blood of his enemies until he emerged for Obama’s inauguration rocking a wheel chair.’ It seems every time I turn around now, Cheney is polluting the political talk shows with his insane, inane rhetoric about torture and how America is safer because we simulated drowning people, ultimately making us no better than the alleged terrorists we are torturing. We know if you actually were the dark lord of the Sith, Dick, you would use the force to choke a confession out of every potential terrorist until carpal tunnel ate away your arm, but it’s just not how things are working now. Recently, President Obama ordered the public release of some memos outlining the Bush administration’s policy on how to go about obtaining information from a terrorist detainee, and this is where the whole water boarding thing came to light. At first Cheney opposed releasing the memos, but now he is complaining about Obama not releasing ones that showed positive results from the torture. Too bad when it comes to torture and water boarding, the ends do not justify the means. Long story short, you wanted to hide from the American public for the last eight years, Dick. You wanted to remain underground and secret and keep your chubby, arthritic hands on the puppet strings. Now that everyone is ready to forget the horrible reign of ignorance, fear and outright stupidity you and your lackey forced down our throats, you rear your hideous head again. Just crawl back down the black hole from whence you came and leave us all alone.’ No matter how much distaste I have for your policies and how much I doubt your moral fiber, I at least hoped you were smarter and had more dignity than to go rank and file with these other neo-conservatives like Bill O’Reilly or Ann Coulter, attacking Obama’s policy just to be a sore loser. You are better than that, or at least I thought you were. Guess I underestimated your pettiness and malevolence yet again. Dick, you will have to deal with the fact that we no longer want to deal with your Constitution-destroying PATRIOT Act policies or any of the other fear-mongering and ignorance of the last eight years. We want to rebuild the face of America and make it what it once was: a place of actual justice and truth, not illegal detainment and torture.