Being intoxicated isn’t an excuse to be messy

Stepha Poulin and Stepha Poulin

Picture this: you’re out with friends having the time of your life, the summer air is a perfect temperature and you’re making the most of your first week back at college. But there’s one issue…you feel that Taco Bell from earlier weighing down on your full bladder.

It doesn’t seem like an issue, but then you walk into a gas station. No bathroom. That’s understandable, most gas stations don’t have public restroom.

Then you try to go to Dairy Queen. The bathroom is closed.

Pita Pit – it’s closed. Subway – closed.

You try to plead with the cashier and try to buy something in exchange for sweet relief. They aren’t hearing it.

This may be an oddly specific problem for me and my weak bladder. If there’s even one person who understands this plight, it’d be enough to write this article.

As a past fast-food worker, I completely get not wanting possibly drunk college kids in a freshly cleaned bathroom. But there must be a better way.

People who need that bathroom, and won’t defile it with vomit shouldn’t be punished. So, if you’re one of the people that made these bathrooms close, here is some drunk bathroom etiquette.

1. You aren’t a wimp for knowing your limits. Don’t drink so much that you feel sick.

2. If you do feel sick, have a sober friend help you in the bathroom. Don’t trust your drunk aim.

3. If you make a mess, clean it up as much as you can. Don’t track vomit out into a venue.

4. If you’re a guy, put up the seat before you go (refer to #2 regarding your drunk aim).

5. If you’re a girl, make sure the seat is down. Don’t fall in.

6. Don’t go into a single bathroom with a ton of friends.

7. This may seem obvious, but please wash your hands. Especially if you lose your sense of personal space while drunk.

8. Don’t use the bathroom for phone calls. Especially if it’s the only bathroom.

9. Double check for your phone and anything else you brought in with you.

10. Don’t be a show-off when/if you pee outside. It’s an easy way to be arrested for public intoxication.

Everyone makes mistakes, and being drunk just increases those odds. But maybe, if we try to use the small amount of rationality a person has while drunk, we can have more bathroom options. In the meantime, just be grateful for the bathrooms we have.